Enjoy a pair of patties for only R68 every Monday at this Sea Point braai house
Places to Get it on in Cape Town
Take things out of the bedroom and into our seaside city’s sexy spots
Sex. Fornication. Making the beast with two backs. It doesn’t take much to make it fun, but sometimes you need to get off the ol’ four corners and shake things up a bit. Plus, occasionally, circumstances (like staying in a hostel dorm or visiting at your partner’s parents’ house) and plain desperation and desire, make it necessary to get laid wherever you land.
Of course, there are all the usual ‘wild’ places to do it – on a plane, on a train, on a boat, with a goat (er, maybe not) – but to help you along, we’ve come up with a quintessentially Capetonian coital guide for the amorous and adventurous. What follows is an overview of the best places to have sex in Cape Town - Mother City spots where you can get off and possibly get arrested for doing so, but that kind of adds to the whole thrill of the act, doesn’t it?
As long as you’re safe, and both (or all three) parties are down to get down there’s no reason why you shouldn’t fly those freak flags all the way from the top of Table Mountain to the bottom of the beach. So, saddle up partners, it’s time for sexcapades in the city!
Disclaimer: CapeTownMagazine.com will accept no responsibility for people getting busted in the buff; you follow this guide entirely at your own risk.
PLACES TO GET IT ON IN CAPE TOWN
Between the Boulders at Llandudno Beach
Yes, sex on the beach is so cliché that there’s even a drink named after it. But Llandudno isn’t your average sandy spot as it actually boasts more boulders than beach, which means there are plenty of little nooks within which to get naughty. With a bit of exploring and climbing, you’re bound to find a sweet cave for love cuddles where the smooth granite rocks can serve as great surfaces to get leverage for your legs. Plus, you’re offered slightly more protection from any potential prying eyes. Another bonus of boning between the boulders is that you don’t have to worry about sand getting into bits you’d rather not have exposed to the seaside elements; though, maybe bring a blanket (or use your discarded clothes) as an extra barrier just in case.
Hot tip: It’s best to choose this option on overcast days when the beach is less likely to be crowded and you don’t have to worry about being seen, or being heard over the crash of the waves.
The Bathrooms at Club 31
There aren’t many nightclub bathrooms that would be considered ideal (read hygienic) for mid dance-time dirty deed-doing, but if you’re into that sort of thing, then there’s one place you should definitely try drop the trousers: the loos at Club 31, which sits at the top of the ABSA building in Cape Town. Why? Well, aside from the chandeliers and chaise longue that already suggest that this won’t be your average bathroom boink, these WCs offer stunning sky-high views of the city that are sure to double, possibly triple, the pleasure. All it takes is a strategic sneak-away and the two of you can be in and out of there in a matter of a few songs. Just be aware though, as there’s bound to be plenty people trying to answer the other call of nature, you can expect a lot of coitus interruptus.
Hot tip: Make this a quick one, and practise a little flexibility so that other people will see only one set of legs instead of two.
2 Riebeek Street | ABSA Building | Cape Town | +27 (0) 21 421 0581
The Cape Wheel of Excellence at the V&A Waterfront
If the Ferris wheel’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’! This is another option where faster is better since you only get about 12 to 15 minutes in your own little capsule to do what needs to be done. Though, the combination of revolving cabins and panoramic views of Cape Town, and the danger of accidentally mooning innocent bystanders while in the act, should make things, um, come along quite quickly. Consider it a different kind of way to get your Mile High Club wings. Not to mention, you can add it to the top of the list of places you’re most likely to get arrested for your erotic intentions. But at the end of the day, you can rest assured you’ll be one of only a few people who can say that they’ve had a good go-around while going ‘round.
Hot tip: If the time factor puts too much pressure on you to perform, it may be worth splurging on a private extended sky dining experience for a more leisurely lay. A VIP gondola costs R800 for a half an hour ride and a bottle of sparkling wine.
At the Top of Table Mountain
You’d think this option would be a tricky one because there couldn’t possibly be a secret sex spot atop the über flat Table Mountain, right? But what not many people know is that you can actually spend the night on this wonder of nature by booking out the beautiful stone Overseers Cottage, which rests right at the top of it. You could hook up on the hike up, and then in the evening, when you have the whole place to yourselves, you can howl at the open skies while getting frisky in the fynbos that overlooks the entire Cape Peninsula. If the weather isn’t playing along, there is always the option of taking things indoors and using every corner of the large cottage as a play-for-pleasure zone.
Hot tip: Since the cottage works on a self-catering basis, why not bring along some sexy eats to set the mood? Think strawberries, oysters and Champagne, and for extra points, whipped cream and body chocolate.
To book the cottage call +27 (0) 21 712 7471 or +27 (0)12 428 9111
Atop Signal Hill
While we’re in the same neighbourhood, it’s worth mentioning that the views from the top of Signal Hill are just as breathtaking as those from Table Mountain. Plus, you’ve got more of the what-if-we-get-caught factor if you decide to try your lick, ahem, luck at this popular lookout point. What’s more, having sex on the hood of a car is about as rock ‘n’ roll as Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat, so you’re essentially fulfilling multiple fantasies in one session. Of course, you can always try knocking boots amidst the rocks and trees if you’re the type of person who wants to feel at one with nature when that primal urge comes a-calling.
Hot tip: Though night-time is probably your best bet if you don’t want to take too much of a risk, it may be worth getting up at the crack of dawn to enjoy some extra special sexy time at sunrise.
Between the Bookshelves at the Cape Town Central Library
How many of you have had the naughty librarian fantasy? Do books get your blood boiling in a good way? Picture your partner pressed up against the first edition of “Pride and Prejudice” as you try your best not to break the cardinal rule of libraries: being absolutely silent. Sex between the stacks is definitely some risky frisky fun; though, within those endless aisles and levels of literature it shouldn’t be too difficult to find a secluded corner for a quickie. Besides, if you do get caught, you can always grab the nearest copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and argue that you were only doing some research.
Hot tip: Sign up for a membership while you’re there, because there’s nothing sexier than a reader (plus, you then have a solid excuse to keep going back).
Old Drill Hall | cnr Parade and Darling Streets | Cape Town | +27 (0) 21 467 1500
Amongst the Trees at Newlands Forest
Newlands Forest is another great option for fans of the idea of getting nookie in nature. There are lots of shady pine trees and you can easily wander off the main path for a bit of privacy if you’re suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to do it (it happens). Serious adventurers can even opt to climb up one of the trees for some loving on a limb, and if you can figure out the logistics of this particular scenario, then more power to you because you’ll probably have to contend with some serious bark burn. Fortunately, you don’t have to worry too much about being quiet, since other forest dwellers will most likely just assume those animalistic grunts are coming from a bunch of baboons.
Hot tip: Pack a picnic basket and enjoy some post-sex snacks at one of the forest’s several streams or braai spots.
In the Elevator of the Southern Sun Cape Sun Hotel
What could make for a better in-and-out session than riding up and down in one of the most spectacular elevators in Cape Town? The Cape Sun hotel in the heart of the city boasts a glass lift made for loving that extends out from the building and overlooks both Table Mountain and the seafront (it just depends which side you’re facing). Just push the emergency button and hook up in your own little lofty coital castle; though, do make sure you’re both high and fast enough to get things done before a crew arrives to ‘rescue’ you. It’s the perfect option for people who like to throw a bit of voyeurism into the mix without having to expose themselves too much as couples will just look like little ants at such great heights.
Hot tip: You score bonus points for getting access to the hotel without actually being a paying guest, but it may be worth just booking a room and taking full advantage of all the lodging’s amenities.
Strand Street | City Centre | Cape Town | +27 (0) 21 488 5100
In the Vineyards at a Wine Estate
We've all heard about Sex in the City, now how about sex in the vineyards? You’re certainly spoiled for choice with this one as being in vineyard country means you have a wide selection of ideal estates to choose from for your escapades. How about channelling Josh Hartnett from the film “40 Days and 40 Nights” and frolicking amongst fragrant flowers at Môreson’s orchid nursery in Franschhoek? Or maybe you want to practise your cowgirl moves and horse around in the paddocks at Avontuur Wine and Thoroughbred Estate in Stellenbosch? The best part about getting groovy amongst the grape vines is that the wine provides that necessary dose of Dutch courage you’ll need to successfully sex it up amidst the Sauvignon.
Hot tip: Make a Cape Winelands boinking bucket list and see how many farms you can fornicate at without things ending in sour grapes.
The Bathrooms at Protea Hotel Fire & Ice! Cape Town
There’s something about the sleekness and sexiness of the décor at Fire & Ice hotel on New Church Street that’s likely to get you feeling both hot and cold at the same time. And the playful themed bathrooms - like the naughty Temptation or the adrenaline inducing Long Drop - at this trendy spot are just as arousing and more than convenient for quick coital contortions. There’s enough room to get randy and the loo itself can be used as a handy prop for positioning both parties for prime pleasure – you’ll just have to remember to keep a lid on the loudness. Plus, you can expect to find an unusually large number of beautiful people here too, so if you’re riding solo, you could easily end up getting lucky, or if you’re so inclined, you could probably find a few extra limbs to add to your lovemaking.
Hot tip: The bathrooms aren’t the only place at the Protea Hotel Fire & Ice! Cape Town where you might want to get it on, so maybe stay over a night or two and christen as many surfaces as you can.
New Church Street | City Centre | Cape Town | +27 (0) 21 488 2555
Take a look at our top dating ideas in Cape Town, which are more than likely to get you lucky.
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